Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
