Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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