I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
