THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
