if i can run in heels then i can drive
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
