Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
