did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
