btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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