Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
