No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
