I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
