sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize