i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
