So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
