i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
