Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
