birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
pray to the hookup gods
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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