Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
