Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
