somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!