For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She made me pour olive oil on her.