My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
