cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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