let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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