Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
