thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
