This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
