If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
