My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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