I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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