I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
