whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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