They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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