I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
