You just made me feel so damn special
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
