The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Too much gin, very little bucket
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
