Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
