I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
