how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
