i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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