Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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