If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You brought string cheese to the strip club
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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