I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
