Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
