Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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