lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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