JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
