my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
