I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Please, let me fuck your mom
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
