Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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