I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
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Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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