It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
