she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
