omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
