using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
