Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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