Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I want her autograph on my taint
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize
