and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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