just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
