So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
