checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
