happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
