Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
